


my heart can't take it (i'm insecure baby)

by GodOfGlitter



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 3+1, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 7, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, how to calm yuuri down- an (unhelpful) guide by Victor nikiforov, skating competitions, the crying scene- it's mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 14:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18780001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodOfGlitter/pseuds/GodOfGlitter
Summary: He knows it’s the wrong thing to say the moment the words fall out of his mouth. What have I done? Victor thinks, trying desperately to see if there’s anything salvageable about this situation.It’s when tears start streaming down Yuuri’s cheeks that he realizes that there really isn’t.*Or: Three times Victor deals badly with Yuuri's anxiety and the one time he doesn't.





	my heart can't take it (i'm insecure baby)

1.

“Phichit-kun has added another quad to his program.” Is what Victor wakes up to.

The morning is soft, hazy, and Victor is _warm_ in the cocoon of Yuuri and love and blankets that smell like the both of them. The cheery glow of sunlight hits their twined limbs, and Victor can’t help but smile as bits of last night flash behind his closed lids. He feels completely relaxed and fuzzy and _contended,_ a quiet happiness building in him till his heart seems ready to burst with it. It’s only been a few weeks since he dropped everything and came to Hasetsu, but he’s finally confessed to Yuuri and now they’re dating and everything is perfect. Life is perfect.

“Did you hear me, Victor? Phichit-kun added another quad loop, and he seems to be nailing it pretty much all the time-“

“Who cares, Yuuri? It’s nothing, you have nothing to worry about.”

Later, Victor will blame the post-sex haze for his words. _I was too happy, and I didn’t have enough control on my tongue,_ he’ll say, even though deep down he knows that it’s nothing but his own stupidity and inexperience that caused him to behave like this.

Now, Victor just nuzzles into Yuuri’s bare stomach, dropping a kiss on one of the beautiful silver stretch marks that adorn his entire body like stars. Maybe it’s that he’s too preoccupied by Yuuri and his beautiful skin, or maybe it’s that he’s really dumb and doesn’t notice small things- like how Yuuri stiffens at his careless comment- but he’s genuinely shocked when something wet falls on his hair.

For a second, he stops moving, until another tear hits him and forces him out of his reverie and into a state of panic.

“Yuuri! What’s wrong? _Solnyshko?”_ he says, heartbreaking a little at the sight of Yuuri’s silent crying. All of a sudden, the warm glow of the morning seems to vanish, and he feels like someone’s just thrown a bucket of icy cold water at him. Even as he babbles reassurances and apologizes for God knows what, he can’t help but go through the entire night to figure out what he’d done wrong. _Was he too rough? But Yuuri had said that he’d liked it, and-_

“It’s not nothing, not for me, Victor.” Says Yuuri, voice quiet yet powerful and _oh, Victor is a really bad boyfriend- no, person._

“ _Solnyshko,_ I didn’t mean it, you know you can do better than him, just-“

“Forget it.” he says, and Victor can _feel_ the walls building up inside Yuuri, blocking him out completely. The gravity of the situation he’s in dawns on him now, and he curses at his past self for being so reckless and ruining what should’ve been a perfect morning.

“I’ll just- go and see if there’s breakfast.” Yuuri continues, not meeting his eyes and pushing him off gently- not that it feels that way to Victor. When Yuuri walks out, the room falls silent, almost mocking, and Victor can’t help but clutch the fading warmth of the sheets and will it into his now freezing heart.

If only he knew how to turn back time.

2.

He knows it’s the wrong thing to say the moment the words fall out of his mouth.

In the not-so-silent parking lot, his voice echoes painfully, striking them both like very sharp shards of broken heart-glass. The tinkling is almost musical, blending in nicely with the free skate music bleeding through the roof into the frozen still air that surrounds them. For a second, everything is still, silent- especially Yuuri’s usually expressive face. _What have I done?_ Victor thinks, trying desperately to see if there’s anything salvageable about this situation.

It’s when tears start streaming down Yuuri’s cheeks that he realises that there really isn’t.

“Why would you say something like that, like you’re trying to test me?”

 _Shit shit shit shit Victor who told you that shattering his heart was a good idea? You told him you’d never hurt him, and_ now _look what you’ve done you idiot-_

“Yuuri, I’m sorry, I wasn’t being serious-“

“You know, I’m used to being blamed for my own failures. But this time, I’m anxious because my mistakes will reflect on you too! I’ve been wondering secretly if you want to quit, and- “

“Oh Yuuri, of course I don’t-“

“I know!”

The screamed words hit him right in the middle of his chest, and he wonders briefly if this is just some nightmare that’ll be over if he pinches himself hard enough. In front of him, Yuuri is all out sobbing, chest heaving and eyes scrunched up in a way that breaks Victor’s heart all over again. He can feel his ineptitude rising like bile up his throat, and he tries to stay silent with all his might but it spews everywhere- and before he knows it, he’s saying “I’m really not good with people crying in front of me. Should I just kiss you to make it better?”

 _Bad idea bad idea bad idea_ his brain shouts, as Yuuri begins to cry harder. The coach in him points out that this much crying will tire Yuuri out, but Bad Boyfriend Victor can’t seem to say anything to make it stop, so Coach Victor will just have to shut it for now. Besides, wasn’t it Coach Victor’s idea to ‘shatter Yuuri’s fragile heart’ so poetically anyway-

“You don’t have to say anything.” Says Yuuri, interrupting his inner panicked monologue. “Just have more faith than I do that I’ll win, okay?” he continues, looking up at Victor with streaming eyes that do nothing to soothe the ache he’s created in his chest.

 _I’m sorry,_ thinks Victor, hands clenching uselessly by his side. _I should’ve done a better job, both as your coach and your boyfriend. I’m sorry I’m so bad at this. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I-_

“Okay.” He says instead, throat choked with unsaid words that try to escape despite his tight hold over them. The damage is done now, and he doesn’t want to burden Yuuri with his own guilt right before the free skate he’s been training for so hard for. He blinks rapidly, watching Yuuri walk away through blurred vision that’ll be okay in a while, if ten years of experience is anything to go by.

“Okay.” He repeats, the word falling flat and dying on the cold hard concrete of the parking lot. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself and his weeping heart to face the cameras- and then he follows Yuuri into the arena.

3.

The thing about Yuuri is, he’s really competitive. You can’t be a figure skater as decorated as him and not care about medals- it just doesn’t happen. He’s stubborn, and he likes to be the _best,_ even if it takes changing a jump at the last moment just to prove a point.

Victor knows this. He’s seen the fire of passion lights up Yuuri’s eyes a countless number of times after he lands a jump perfectly, driving him to touch the air once more. As a coach, he’s always ready for when Yuuri’s competitive side rears up, so that he can use it to its fullest and milk out a great session that sees him really improving as a skater.

As a boyfriend, he’s wholly unprepared for this.

Thing is, Yuuri doesn’t get jealous all that easily. Or at least, Victor hasn’t _seen_ him get jealous, but as we’ve established before, Victor isn’t the most observant of people, so.

They’re in Barcelona, right after the most exhilarating Grand Prix Final of Victor’s life. for the first time, he’s walking out of one of these with both love and a very happy life ahead, and he feels young and _alive._ The past years of solitude don’t exist- all that exists is him and Yuuri and this beautiful, silver night.

They try to exit the rink quietly, but they’re Victor Nikiforov and Yuuri Katsuki, so they’re stopped by fans the moment their feet hit the concrete pavement. It’s a testament to how happy and in love he is, because even the normally annoying in-your-face flashes and pushy people don’t bring him down from his firm place on cloud nine.

The mob of fans has pushed them a little apart, so Victor looks over at where Yuuri is blushing adorably and signing on a poster held out by a practically vibrating girl. He’s about to join him (and maybe wrap his arms around him like he’s been meaning to do all night), when he’s stopped by a shy girl asking for his autograph.

“Sure!” he says, directing his warm smile at her. He makes quick work of his signature, working on autopilot, and even allows her to hug him, laughing internally when she almost swoons soon after. Not wanting to wait anymore, he turns to Yuuri, only to find him already looking at him with a strange, almost guarded expression on his face.

“Let’s go home, love.” Says Victor, grabbing Yuuri’s hand and walking away from the group of fans with a rushed apology.

He’s so wrapped up in his own giddy happiness- _Yuuri’s shifting with him to St. Petersburg, they’ll train together and everything will be so beautiful-_ that he doesn’t notice how silent Yuuri is until they reach the elevators of their hotel.

 _I’ve done something wrong,_ he thinks, dread pooling in his gut and slowly diminishing the happy warmth that’s enveloped him all evening. _Was it his anxiety again? But he seemed to do fine in the program, and I really thought that after yesterday things were fine-_

“So that girl was standing really close to you.”

- _what?_

“What?” he blurts, turning to look at Yuuri in what can only be described as shock.

“You know, that fan. She was pretty, don’t you think? And you were standing so close, and then you hugged her and held her waist-“

And now Yuuri is breathing hard, and was this any other situation Victor would’ve dealt with it- not well, but sufficiently effectively- but this is no place for Coach Victor, so Boyfriend Victor ends up blurting out- “I don’t see why you’re so upset! It was just a fan!”

He can almost hear the ‘rejected’ buzzer sound, a screeching _aeen_ that lets him know what a shitty job he’s done at managing Yuuri’s anxiety. Again.

“It always starts like that! It’s a fan now, and then maybe later you’ll find someone who actually deserves you, who can get you a Gold and not a measly silver, and-“

The rest of Yuuri’s tirade fails to reach his brain, as everything in him goes deathly quiet. Has he really been so oblivious all this while to not notice this fear in Yuuri? And here he’d been priding himself for finally figuring out how to take care of him- when the truth was that he’d been right at the starting point all along.

“Oh, Yuuri, _zveda moya,_ I’m sorry I made you feel like that,” he says, aching to touch him but holding back because now at least he knows that’s not something that’ll help Yuuri. “No matter what I say during practice, I don’t _care_ if you win a gold or a silver, Yuuri- I wouldn’t even care if you didn’t place at all!”

 _Wrong wrong wrong_ his brain quips up when tears start forming in Yuuri’s eyes.

“What I mean is- it’s that I love you for the person you are, Yuuri, your successes and your failures all included. You’re amazing- you’re the second-best figure skater _in the world,_ and I’m one hundred percent sure of it that you can surpass everyone with the right training. I don’t care about any stupid fan, and I don’t want anyone else, even if they’re Olympic geniuses! I want _you,_ Yuuri. I love _you.”_ he hastily continues.

It’s not perfect. Some parts of it help, and others add on to the hurt, but he can see that overall he’s done a better job than he has before.

“May I please touch you, _solnyshko?”_ he asks, heart poised breathlessly in his throat. He really cares about Yuuri, and he silently makes a vow to learn more about the anxiety that plagues him so he can stop being such a fuck up all the time.

The silence in the lift seems to stretch on for an eternity, and Victor’s about ready to give up and let his heart shatter when Yuuri turns to him and nods.

 _We’re going to be just fine._ He thinks, body singing with relief as he rushes to envelop Yuuri in a crushing yet apologetic embrace.

_We’re going to be just fine._

+1

He knows it’s going to be a Medium Anxiety Day even before he wakes up.

It’s in the way Yuuri is curled up into himself, breathing far too evenly for it to be natural. It’s in the slight stiffening of his shoulders- that Victor of two years ago would never have picked up on- when he moves gently, as if he’s scared of what Victor will do. It’s in the quiet response to his pretentiously normal _ohayogozaimasu_ that betrays a fraying voice.

“I’m going to make some ginger tea. Do you want some, love?” he asks, taking care to keep his tone perfectly calm and normal. At the small nod he receives, he smiles a little and bends to peck Yuuri’s forehead chastely, before moving to extricate himself from the tangle of blankets so he can get the tea ready.

Makkachin is waiting on the other side of the door when he opens it, looking at him with an expectant look that speaks _well? Did you handle it okay or not?_ He bends down to ruffle her fur, before opening the door wider and letting her make her way inside and onto the bed.

He makes quick work of boiling the water and adding the herbs, body working almost without instructions now that it’s so used to doing this. This is the first Medium Anxiety Day in a long while, and Victor feels proud of himself for making Yuuri feel loved enough to fight his anxiety.

When he re-enters the bedroom- this time equipped with seemingly magical tea- he notices Yuuri burying his face in Makkachin’s belly, and the sight makes his heart swell with love it’s only now learning how to contain. “Do you want me to stay, _zveda?”_ he says, trying to inject the love he’s feeling into his voice so that the voices Yuuri fights every day will stop babbling so loud in his head.

It’s only a quiet second later that Yuuri’s hesitant ‘yes’ reaches his ears, and he finds himself thinking involuntarily of the countless tries and late night google searches and heartfelt talks that have led to this moment right here, where he can call himself finally fluent in the language of Katsuki Yuuri.

“Well, what’s taking you so long?” says Yuuri, a little petulant and already on his way to a better mental state. Victor smiles, sending a silent boost of confidence to his past self- because he really, really needs it- before climbing onto the bed and taking Yuuri into his arms.

“Nothing at all,” he says, hiding his smitten smile in Yuuri’s hair as he relaxes in his arms. He’s still not completely fine, he knows, just like he knows that they have practice today which will probably stress him out even more. But for now, the blankets are warm and Makkachin is panting reassuringly and there’s Yuuri in his arms-

-so he’ll worry about everything else later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you liked it, it was a lot of hard work. Also, I'm sorry for any factual inconsistencies that may be there, related to how anxiety is and how to deal with it.
> 
> The title is 'insecure', by iamnotshane. It's an AWESOME song, go listen to it!
> 
> Leave a Kudos! Comment! Live life!
> 
> -love,  
> N


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